No! No no no! Marilyn Manson? Are you fucking kidding me, MetalSucks?
If there’s one thing us good, God-fearing Christians fear, it’s that vile, filth-ridden corrupter of American society.
I didn’t storm our beautiful nation’s Capitol on that fateful day in 2021 to have him return to transform our children into loathsome, mouth-breathing goths like he did back in the nineties. My beautiful daughter Jessica told me (back before she shuttered me from her life for having the goddamn good sense to outspokenly disregard the COVID-19 plandemic) that he had been canceled for some… shall we say untoward behavior, to say the least, a few years back so I refuse to give Marilyn Manson the time of day, lest I give Satan a free pass to roast me in his eternal flames like a fucking campfire hotdog.
It’s a good thing those long-haired dweebs at MetalSucks are rewarding me so handsomely for this. Time to seriously half-ass this review.
Track 1: “Unalive”
This sounds like the score to that 28 Days Later movie Doreen rented that one time. Scared the absolute Christ out of me, that one did. You can bet your ass I took over movie-watching duties after that, and our upcoming movie night’s going to be Mel Gibson’s The Patriot for the 53rd time in a row, as the Good Lord intended.
Track 2: “Don’t Answer the Door”
Don’t worry, Mr. Manson. I have absolutely no intention of doing that.
Track 3: “Front Toward Enemy”
Just a second. Gonna tell Doreen to get off her worthless ass and fetch me my Rosary so I can get right with my Maker after listening to this horseshit.
Track 4: “All the Vilest Things”
Yeah, I’d consider this track to be among the vilest things I’ve ever heard. This freak is just lobbing softballs at me with these stupid fucking titles. I may just make it through this album after all.
Track 5: “None of the Suns”
I fully expected to be horrified by this music, but instead I’m bored to tears. Can someone tell me where I can find this dorky fuck so I can stuff him in a locker or wedge his Fruit of the Looms up his ass crack?
Track 6: “Lucifer’s Teardrop”
Hard no on this. I’m not listening to something with a title like that. Jesus Christ, where the fuck is my wife with that Rosary?
Track 7: “The Arsonist”
The studio really could’ve used one of those while they were recording this. Hey-oh, I’m back!
Track 8: “Exit Wound”
Yeah, these tunes all sound the same to me, I’m sorry to say. Good thing there’s only one left.
Track 9: “Enantiomorph”
I have no fucking clue what that means, but I’m going to skip it just in case it precludes my entrance into Heaven. You can never be too careful with shit like this.
There you have it. Do I really need to give you my score? Time to haul ass out of here and down to Immaculate Conception to wash myself in the Blood of the Lamb, seeing as how that shrieking sack of potatoes Doreen is taking her sweet-ass time with my prayer beads. See you heathen nightmare creatures next week.