What the fuck is this?
Here I ended last week’s review with so much optimism that I’d be allowed to listen to actual music, and now they spring this bullshit that’s probably going to sound like some Hot Topic lip-piercing nonsense. I swear, those short dicks over at MetalSucks wouldn’t appreciate good music if it came up and slapped them on the seat of their skinny jeans.
Darkest Hour?
My estranged daughter Jessica probably listened to stuff like this when she was in that phase where her hair looked like a hedgehog and she wore that Sailor Moon backpack everywhere. Anyway, Jessica, I miss you. How are Lilianne and Connor doing? Did you get that Ben Shapiro clip I asked your mother to send you? I thought it might open your eyes a bit. Anyway, I’m still on Facebook if you ever decide to unblock me.
Ugh, you see what you did, MetalSucks? Now I’m in a bad mood. Time to take it out on Darkest Hour.
Track 1: “All Cruelty Springs From Weakness”
Well, at least it qualifies for my patented “automatically skip every track under a minute” rule.
Track 2: “Gods of Decay”
Yeah, this is definitely for all the hedgehog-hairs out there. Not a fan, to say the least.
Track 3: “No Conquered Hearts”
You know what? I’m just going to space out for a bit and pretend I’m listening to Grand Funk Railroad’s landmark 1973 album “We’re An American Band” instead of this album that I’m just going to assume is emo without doing any research on the subject.
Track 4: “Salvation”
8 minutes?! Not bloody likely. “Stop Lookin’ Back” by Grand Funk Railroad. Now that was a goddamn song. You taking notes, Darkest Hour?
Track 5: “Suffer Divine”
I can see how all the shitting little punks beat the Christ out of each other at these concerts. My systolic’s gone up 10 points in the few seconds that I’ve had this song playing.
Track 6: “Warrior”
Sorry, didn’t really pay attention to this one. Had to ask my wife Doreen to fetch me my Lisinopril so I can stay alive for the remainder of the album.
Track 7: “Vile Angel”
Because they couldn’t piss me off enough as it is, they had to throw some blasphemy in the mix. Don’t worry, Darkest Hour. I’ll pray for you.
Track 8: “The Unforgiving Hand”
Hot damn, listen to those guitar licks! If the whole album sounded like this I’d be singing a different tune. I’d feel inspired to go back down to Guitar Center and wow the clientele with my knowledge of the riff from “Layla” again, but I got banned last year for hitting on the girl behind the counter.
Track 9: “Tribalist”
Seriously, how else was I supposed to interpret “polyweb or nanoweb” when I asked for some new Elixirs? She was clearly impressed with my skills on the axe and wanted to get to know me a little better. Fucking sue me.
Track 10: “Everyday Horrors”
Actually, please don’t sue me. And please don’t tell Doreen. I swear I learned my lesson after security walked me out of the establishment.
Track 11: “A Story of Redemption”
Alright, looks like I made it to the end. With the exception of that one song I liked, this made me want to self-disembowel. Honestly, not bad for a MetalSucks album.
There you have it. Time to try some reverse psychology with my shit-for-brains editors: 5/5 stars! I loved every song! Couldn’t get enough of it! I’d certainly hate it if we had me review a classic Bad Company or Ted Nugent album for some kind of a retrospective week!
Let’s see if that does anything. See you worthless fucks next time.