Trying to get a leg up as a touring musician? Are you tired of paying a 25% merch fee to venues so you could set up a beer pong table and sling your t-shirts and stickers? Has the door guy once again walked away with more cash in his pocket than your band because heâs been feeding his nose with door money? The harsh reality is that when youâre traveling across the country to get your music out to the world, the house always wins. If you want to get ahead in this industry, then you need to stack the deck!Â
The best way to get a leg up after months on the road is by trashing your van and committing insurance fraud. Youâve already redlined every single one of your credit cards, and you need to recoup your funds. Weâre going to get into the best practices to make sure that your band gets out of the red, into the black, and probably on a couple of watch lists if you donât cover your tracks because this is absolutely a felony.Â
Lie about how much your gear is worthÂ
You really canât cash in on your insurance policy if your gear isnât worth dick. Sure, maybe you bring your stage-bangers on the road, but those premium guzzling fat cats wonât pay top dollar for your entry-level Ibanez if it goes missing. The most practical workaround here is to take a lot of photos of your stage show when a more expensive backline is being shared. Thereâs an even bigger payday in it for you if you can borrow somebodyâs PRS or Warwick for a set. That way, after you trash your own gear and set your van on fire, you can present the photos with your insurance claim, and say that it was your equipment.Â
If your insurance agent asks you about the serial numbers, just tug at your collar and laugh it off, and hopefully you wonât spend a year in jail.Â
Make it look convincing
Now that youâve already gathered your âdocuments,â youâre already well on your way to committing fraud at the highest level. The best approach is to drive to a remote area, beat the absolute shit out of your van, walk to the nearest town, and call an Uber to the nearest motel with WiFi so you could start making some phone calls.
Have some fun with this one! Youâve been eating gas station hot dogs for months, and you probably smell like shit because youâre not due to stop at the laundromat for another week or two. Get creative, and channel your rage. Think about all of the times that your parents told you that youâre wasting your life by pursuing your dreams, how theyâre probably right, and start slamming. Grab some tire-irons, and just go to town! Bonus points if you could graffiti tag your van with the insignia of a rival band before leaving the scene of the crime.Â
Cover your TracksÂ
Now that youâve committed the fraud, you need to realize that youâre only as strong as your weakest link. You might want to brag, and some parties involved may even have a guilty conscience. If you successfully rake in some serious dough, you might want to put some money aside to either keep everybody quiet, or to pay your legal fees.Â
Always have a backup plan
When all else fails, or if youâre feeling a little iffy about filing a false claim, just set up a GoFundMe instead. The legal repercussions are a lot less severe, and people love dishing out their cash for stupid bullshit as long as it makes them feel good.Â
* DISCLAIMER: MetalSucks does not encourage or endorse criminal behavior in any way shape or form. For those unable to tell this entire piece, this is satire.