For years, bass players have tried to find new and innovative ways to game the system. They plug their DI boxes straight into the board during recording sessions instead of lugging their amps out of the storage unit they defaulted on. They spend their $1.50 per diem on scratch-off tickets because even a five-dollar win means they can get two spinning glizzies, and maybe even a drink, from beneath the glowing sanctuary of the 7-Eleven heat lamps. But thereâs one classic trick that will turn you from a true bottom feeder into somebody with upward financial mobility: boiling your strings.
Mark King.
Geezer Butler.
OthersâŠ
They all know whatâs up. Theyâll tell you boiling the sweat and grime off a spent set of roundwounds brings back the punch and brightness, but theyâre also sitting on a little-known secret: it saves a ton of money outside of pretending to be a musician, and youâll be well on your way to affording a much-needed trip to the laundromat.
Hereâs how to truly get out of the red, and maybe even die of acute nickel poisoning in the process, the most frugal solution of all.
The Art Of Boiling Strings
Boiling strings isnât as complicated as it sounds. You boil water, and then you put your bass strings in it. A four-string set will easily run you $30. How much does water cost? Itâs basically free if the gas station bathroom door is unlocked.
Get a nice rolling boil going and toss your strings into the pot. Give them a good ten minutes, pat them dry with a paper towel, and throw them back on your axe.
Get plenty of slaps and pops in before the rust starts taking hold, and you wonât even need a tetanus shot, because hereâs the industry secret they donât want you to know:
Youâre over 26 and donât have healthcare.
Feeling down? Feeling blue? Well, you shouldnât. My doctor tells me I need to be on the highest therapeutic dose of lithium so I donât âconstantly crash outâ and âmake my mom cry.â Iâve also been told to take magnesium supplements because they improve mood. Then you look at any health and fitness blog, and they tell you to take iron.
What do those things have in common?
Theyâre all metal.
What is nickel?
Now youâre getting it. Itâs basically the same thing.
Find the best leftover teabag from the Starbucks dumpster you can get your hands on and toss it in the pot. Let steep for three minutes, then cool to room temperature. Ice is optional, but if Iâm being honest, youâll probably just hurt yourself. Especially once the vertigo sets in.
Last time I checked, a bottle of magnesium tablets cost six dollars. This wisdom Iâm dropping right now? One hundred percent free Hell, if you push your nickel consumption right to that sweet spot and the air starts to taste like bleeding, you can even ghostwrite for Primus.
Bands That Stretch Together Retch Together
Now that youâre a pro with disproportionately fat pockets after boiling all those strings, the folks over here at Net Worthless encourage you to boil other pieces of musical equipment and report your findings.
Havenât eaten in days but rentâs due?
Does everybody in the van look like their heads are turning into giant cartoon turkeys, but you donât want to resort to cannibalism because they all smell fucking terrible?
Is your guitaristâs amp wrapped in a textured but easily meltable vinyl known as Tolex?
Is that pot of water still boiling?
Bon appétit.
Think of all the money youâve wasted on frivolous things like new bass strings, medicine, and food. Thatâs money that can now be thrown into a low-interest savings account. Just think: in 30 years, when your hands are covered in oozing lesions, youâll finally be able to afford a fresh set of GHS Boomers and start the cycle all over again. If you live that long, that is.