The Wednesdays start comin and they don’t stop coming, am I right? It’s Smokey Goretooth back at you again with a new “Do I Suck?,” MetalSucks’ version of “Am I The Asshole?” where we take your horror stories and ultimately decide if you suck for some bullshit you may or may not have done.
This week’s entry comes from a user named “willfart4food420,” which, based on what they submitted, sounds like they’d at the very least fart for fun…
I wanna start by saying that I didn’t go to band practice with the intentions of becoming a flatulence terrorist, but sometimes evil isn’t born, it’s created.
For context, every week my band has practice. We’ve got this little shitty practice space that I found on Craigslist a few years ago. It’s basically a wooden box, but we’re a small band and it’s all we can afford. None of the dudes have tried to find us something better, so it drives me crazy whenever my vocalist has some shit to say about it. It’s always something, like ‘oh it’s too small‘ or ‘it always smells like ass in here‘ and it’s gotten to a point where I’m just so tired of him opening his mouth like a big goddamn baby that I had to do something about it.
This whole thing happened yesterday. We had practice again, and I ended up getting to the space a bit earlier because there’s a part in this new song we have that I’m trying to lock down (I’m the drummer). By the time everyone else got there it was kinda muggy in the room and probably smelled like sweat for sure, but still. As soon as his dumbass walks in he’s all ‘wow dude, do you even fuckin shower ever?‘ and I don’t know why but that really set me off. I sat behind the kit fuming for the first few songs we played but then we all got really hot so we decided to take a little break to go smoke and cool off.
At first I didn’t know exactly what I was gonna do, but I told the dudes I needed to call my mom for something and that I’d meet outside when I was finished. They’ve been around me before when I talk to my mom so they know our calls don’t last very long, so I had to kinda think quickly on my feet, and that’s when I started just staring at his microphone.
Before I knew it, I had my shorts down, I spread my cheeks apart, turned the mic off and slid it right in between my cheeks and just let it fuckin rip. Like if the mic had been on it probably would’ve sounded like a bomb going off in the speakers. Then I put it back on the stand and made sure to leave the door crack to let it air out in there.
Once we start practicing again, I’m sitting behind my kit just locked in on how close he’s putting the mic to his face. He’s one of those like emo kinda dudes like the guy from Taking Back Sunday that rub the mic all over their mouth and shit when they get really into singing, so my bottom was all over his face at this point. He even kept saying like ‘damn dude, didn’t you leave the door open? It smells like shit in here‘ but the joke’s on him – because it’s not the room, brother, it’s your face that smells like shit now.
So I obviously didn’t tell him this, and I knew that his girlfriend was picking him up after practice. There’s no shower or anything at the practice space so I figured that was something he was gonna do once they got home and since we were all so sweaty, I didn’t think he’d be trying to touch a lot of stuff or anything. As soon as he got in her car though he gave her a big kiss, like open mouth and then some kisses on the rest of her face, so my butt remnants ended up spreading! I don’t have anything against her personally, so she was just collateral ass damage at that point, but every war has its casualties, I guess.
Since this just happened I’m not sure what, if anything, will happen – like, maybe he could get pink eye or something. But it’s like damn dude, why can’t you just shut up and stop complaining for once? I feel kinda bad for doing it, but not really bad, so I’m wondering if I suck for doing this?
There’s still time for that pink eye to happen.
What do we think y’all? Does this dude suck?
* based on a true story. We wish we were kidding.
The post Do I Suck… For Farting On My Vocalist’s Microphone? appeared first on MetalSucks.