OK, I just got back from the MetalSucks office, and some words were exchanged regarding my displeasure over the albums they’ve been having me cover as of late. Things got a little heated, and I’ll fully admit that some of the language I employed was a bit crass. I normally don’t lose my head like that, unless it’s something serious like when my neighbor Ken’s shit-weasel son plays ding-dong ditch on my front door, or when I disapprove of what the person in front of me at the Piggly Wiggly is using food stamps to purchase. At any rate, I’ll be the bigger man and admit some of the things I said to my editor were, at best, inappropriate, and at worst, threatening and maybe even criminal.
I won’t apologize for taking a shit in their bathroom sink, though.
That was just good clean fun, and honestly, it was nothing compared to what I may or may not have done previously – and for legal reasons, will not elaborate further.
Anyway, cooler heads prevailed, and I was permitted to review an album without any of that goddamn screaming for once. Thank fucking Christ.
Here’s the new album by If These Trees Could Talk.
Track 1: “Archons”
I don’t know about you, but when I see an opening track that’s only a minute or two long, I’m hitting the skip button. I’m a busy man, and I’m finally taking Doreen to the botanical gardens this afternoon after years of putting up with her bitching about it. Husband of the year, over here. So yeah, let’s move on to the next track.
Track 2: “Moon Machine”
What the fuck is up with this song title? Sounds real hippie-ish to me, which is something I absolutely will not countenance in my column. Take a look at our beautiful country right now. I think it’s pretty clear that the hippies lost.
Track 3: “Sea of Glass”
While this definitely isn’t my bag, I am enjoying not having to put up with another singer upchucking into the microphone. It’ll be nice to finally finish up a column without having to reach for Doreen’s Excedrin Migraine afterwards. Doctor said I shouldn’t be taking that shit, anyway, on account of all the damage I’ve done to my liver with my drinking over the years, as if I give a flying fuck what that dweeb things.
Track 4: “Blurry Creatures”
I mean… it’s better pretend to like this though, or MetalSucks is going to assign me some more screamy nonsense.
Track 5: “Silence Between Mountains, Pt. 1”
This is fantastic, and I’m super interested in whatever the fuck that song title means! I definitely wouldn’t prefer listening to Ted Nugent on my porch while drinking a Leinenkugel’s Summer Shandy over reviewing this!
Track 6: “Silence Between Mountains, Pt. 2”
I think I get it. Is the music supposed to sound like that pensive, awe-inspired feeling that washes over you when you find yourself in the sprawling majesty between the peaks of mountain ranges? Just kidding. You really think I’m capable of feelings like that?
Track 7: “Metanoia”
Didn’t Rush have a song about trees talking with one another, or something like that? I’d be able to tell you for sure, but I don’t care enough to remember.
Track 8: “Flim”
I love how this song doesn’t make me want to eat a fucking shotgun. If I weren’t enjoying it so much, I’d tell you how I’m almost looking forward to the botanical garden because they hopefully won’t be playing it there, but I’m having a great time now, so of course I’m not going to do that.
Track 9: “Endlessly Connected”
Last track. It’s less than three minutes, so can I just skip it like I did with the first one? I think I will and just hope to hell that nobody notices.
There you have it. Uhhhh, 3/5 stars. Had a great time. You see that, MetalSucks? Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for me to go look at some flowers so my wife will shut the fuck up for once. Dave Mustcomplain out.