Goddamn heart’s acting up again… think it might be all the stress being put on it by these fucking lunatic Socialists trying to take over our country. Thank God I have Fox News to mainline the straight dope into my veins for three hours every night so I can stay informed on how badly our country’s going to hell.
Worse yet, I have to wait another two weeks for the Bears’ season opener. I know it’s going to be worth it when they wallop the Christ out of the Panthers, but I gotta have something to hang my hat on until then, and that sure as shit ain’t reviewing this godless drivel my MetalSucks editor keeps projectile vomiting in my direction.
Let’s just get this over with, because I hear Sean Hannity’s going to do a piece tonight on some trans kid in Oklahoma who wants to be on their high school wrestling team. This is going to drive my diastolic number through the roof, but I have to watch because it’s super important and definitely affects me personally. Anyway, here’s my review of the new Gorod album.
Track 1: Signs
Did a computer make this? I don’t think guitars are supposed to sound like that. I’m going to have to do some research on these guys.
Track 2: Devise
Oh Jesus, they’re from France? Fucking France? Did I not make my status as a God-fearing patriot perfectly plain when I signed myself up for this racket? What, does MetalSucks think I clogged my arteries eating all those Freedom Fries in 2003 for fucking nothing? * I have half a mind to march back into their offices to stomp some sense into them, had I not already been banned following that episode when they asked me to specify my preferred pronouns during New Employee Orientation.
Track 3: Forgiveness
I know it’s very un-Christian of me, but forgiveness is not high on my list of priorities at the moment. I’m absolutely furious.
Track 4: Regret
At least they’re singing over those nonsensical guitars. I would say I enjoy this more than most albums I cover here, if doing so wouldn’t be a betrayal to all my proud brothers in the Central Illinois Militia. I’ll see you fellas when I’m back on my feet and can run a 25-minute mile again. It’s been too long.
Track 5: Crimson
I gotta tell ya, this guitarist is certainly no Mark Knopfler, but I’ll be goddamned if he can’t work his way around the fretboard, and—NO, Dave! They’re from France! No compliments!
Track 6: Ignite
Phew, more screaming so I can go back to hating this. I was starting to scare myself back there.
Track 7: Ember
I’m kind of enjoying this track too, and for that reason I must skip to the next one. Good thing there’s only one left, because I’m getting a little concerned that I’m about to start dressing like a mime and eating croissants, or whatever it is they do over there.
Track 8: Remains
I swear to God I’m quitting if the next album isn’t American. And I mean American, nothing from New York City, San Francisco, and certainly nothing from fucking Portland.
There you go. 0/5 stars, regardless of how frighteningly alluring some of that guitar work was. You’re on thin ice, MetalSucks. Dave Mustcomplain out.
* Editor’s Note: One could only hope, Dave, one could only hope.