NET WORTHLESS With JOHNNY SPREADSHEETS: Bodily Fluids, All Kinds, Can Pad Your Bottom Line

Okay, listen up. Your band has no draw, and you’re about to default on your last seven guitar purchases. Why they’re all identical B.C. Rich Warlocks is beyond me. If you had any merch or put out any physical releases, you could hustle hard and start reinvesting in yourself, but we both know you’re incapable of that at this point in your decades-long music career. Sure, you’re only 35, but you’ve been at this forever, and this is the furthest you’ve gotten.

There is, however, hope for you to recoup your losses, and it comes on a sliding scale based on what kind of life you live: selling bodily fluids. And, best part – you don’t even need to do this on the black market if you want to keep things legit.

Plasma is always a hot commodity, and demand stays high because workplace accidents and car wrecks happen all the time. What’s more, I shit you not, you can become a frequent flyer because most major plasma centers have loyalty programs.

Depending on your weight, how often you visit, and the kind of plasma you’re donating (I’m personally a fan of CSL Plasma, but Octapharma might be more your flavor), you can bring in close to $1,000 a month. That means you’ll finally be able to split a one-bedroom apartment with one or two of your bandmates.

Naturally, if you’re working in a creative field, clean piss is always a sure fire moneymaker, but your mileage may vary here. If you’re into the whole “drugs” part of the “sex, drugs, and rock & roll” equation, you probably won’t see much growth in this market. But if you truly want to clean up, unlike most local musicians who still think they’ve got a shot at hitting it big, all you have to do is look for any popular regional band’s triumphant homecoming show. That means the tour is over, and everybody’s probably looking for work or signing a new lease, which means background checks are imminent.

And if you’re one to indulge in the devil’s cabbage, you’ll probably be fine. Everybody’s biting the gummies these days, and thanks to the talent pool being diluted due to the job market being total dogshit, even companies like Amazon are only screening their drivers for Schedule I drugs now. Even then, they’re still pretty lenient.

Are you a little horndog who can’t seem to log off PornHub even on your best day? They have banks for that. That’s right, people will literally collect your splooge for money, and they’ll even set you up in a nice private room with a rack full of analog, amateur smut to make sure everybody gets a bang for the buck.

If you’re willing to go for the gusto and give your old wailing wand the smack attack on the regular, then the sky’s really the limit. 

You just have to be prepared for the existential tradeoff:

You may see some short-term financial gains for your efforts, but 20 years from now you’ll start seeing a bunch of adults who look just like you but will never love you. But I just described your relationship with your parents, so if you’re cool with that, go nuts.