Tired of sleeping in the van? Is the La Quinta Inn with the room doors that open directly onto the highway too rich for your blood on this run of tour dates? Does every single 24-hour convenience store on this side of the Mississippi have your picture taped to the register, warning employees that youâre no longer allowed to nap in the walk-in beer cooler?
Sounds like youâve exhausted all of your usual lodging choices and need to start thinking outside the box.
If youâre a serious touring musician but still need your beauty rest, there are alternatives that will get you through your next stint, leg, or whatever you call âplaying local band showcases for bartenders and the other bandâs girlfriends in a different stateâ when talking to your friends back home. Your wallet, and your back, will thank you if you implement these best practices immediately. It doesnât take much ingenuity to stop wasting money on luxury expenses like a âbed,â âroom service,â or someplace âcleanâ to spend the night.
Sign Up For Every Membership You Can
Motel 6, Super 8, Days Inn, Travelodge, and Knights Inn all have loyalty programs that you can exploit when youâre not getting into a parking lot knife fight after yet another show that required a 3:00 p.m. load-in even though the sound guy drunkenly stumbled through the door at 8:00 p.m., primed to scream in your face for asking when soundcheck starts.
Have every member of the band sign up for these programs. Many of them hand out freebies on your birthday.
Touring in August? Congratulations. You were all conceived in November if you want this exercise to work properly. Across enough brands and enough state lines, youâll be able to sustain yourselves entirely on continental muffins. If youâre really lucky, you can swipe enough batter from the waffle station to create a functional gruel thatâs relatively van-stable.
Of course, youâll have to book single rooms and pile into one full-sized bed if you really want to pinch pennies, but in most cases, the shower water will at least run clear.
The Venue Squat
If youâre brave enough, you can simply sleep at the venue, though youâll need to stay alert, which may interfere with your beauty rest.
Most clubs operate with a skeleton crew while closing, so all you really need to do is put some gaff tape over one of the lesser-used doors and wait for things to quiet down. Freshen up in the gas station sink across the street and wait for lights out. In many cases, you can walk right back in and stretch out on the stage.
If youâre lucky, the place doesnât even open until late afternoon, meaning nobody will disturb your slumber.
If you get accosted by the door guy, whoâs also trying to score a free night of lodging after an exhausting night of skimming off the top, just toss a little something else his way and heâll get off your back. Or, if youâre in Kansas City, fill a Diet Rite can with spray paint and send him on his way. By the time he regains consciousness, youâll already be headed to your next gig.
B & E With Caution
If youâre near a residential neighborhood and your pocketbook is feeling light, drive around after dark and look for houses without any lights on. In most cases, the owners are gone for the weekend. Sometimes youâre not so lucky.
Even then, you can still set up camp under decks or inside crawl spaces, but youâll have to keep quiet. If fortune smiles upon you and you find an empty house, donât be a dick about it. Grab a few hours of sleep, raid the fridge, and be gone before anyone notices you used their toothbrush and drank all their Listerine.
Once you get good at this, you can even live rent-free when the tour is over. You know those YouTube videos about squatters secretly living inside someone elseâs house for months? That could be you.
Your parents barely paid attention to you when you lived there the first time. They probably wonât notice this round either.
Always Have A Hard Hat Handy
If you spot a solid union job site, itâs safe to assume nobodyâs working after 6:00 p.m. This includes new high-rise apartment developments, government building renovations, and office complexes.
High-visibility vests and construction worker cosplay can be purchased cheaply on Amazon. After that, all you need to do is walk onto the property after hours like you just finished a hard dayâs work but forgot your keys.
Free WiFi is always a bonus if the building is far enough along. You can also steal all the pens you want for those record contracts you havenât signed yet but are certain will be offered the second the right person hears your band.
Dumpsters Donât Discriminate
You may not be lucky enough to enjoy three hots and a cot like a common prisoner, but a dumpster will always do in a pinch.
Bakeries are your best bet because they throw out food at the end of the day, and most of it isnât even wet. The tradeoff is that rats also love pastries, so youâll need to stay combat-ready.
You also donât want to be too heavy of a sleeper. If you choose this route on trash pickup day, youâre as good as dead.
Then again, youâre 38 years old and think your pop-punk band is going to make it, so youâre already hanging on by a thread.